Regarding Book Donations

Dear potential library donor:



We at the Suburban Chicagoland Public Library would like to thank you for thinking of us as a possible recipient of your generosity. While we would highly value a financial donation that could be used to purchase items that the library may actually need, we are also very excited by the possibility of receiving our fourth donated copy of the book version of The Prince of Egypt. But before you present us with the nearly forgotten contents of your basement, we would like you to consider the following list of questions whose answers may have an impact on our ability to use (and perhaps even to touch) your donation.



Are there pages or other parts missing that will affect other people's ability to enjoy the item? Even if you can figure out the plot of a book without those missing 20 pages, most people would prefer to read rather than infer their books. Also, if your child has torn off all the flaps in their lift-the-flap book, this will impede the other children's ability to enjoy the book.



Are there questionable stains anywhere on or in the item? While you can look at the brown smear on the cover of that well-loved copy of Hop on Pop, and remember the hilarious time that little Johnny's ice cream bar melted all over his hands and clothing, we at the library are not privy to that fond memory. In fact, we at the library are concerned that said smear is feces.



Are there bodily fluids anywhere on or in the item? Though technically speaking feces is usually not a fluid, it does count when answering this question.



Are there unusual smells emanating from the item? Actually, considering the fact that the smell of human urine is not really 'unusual', per se, we would like to restate the question to read Are there any smells emanating from the item?



Did you write the book yourself? While we are sure that your 600-page science fiction novel is a heart-breaking work of staggering genius, perhaps you should submit it to agents and publishers before attempting to take the library world by storm.



Did you pay someone else to write the book? Truly, it is wonderful that someone loves your child enough to have had a story about a woodland fairy altered to include her name on every page. But perhaps that is a treasure that will be most valued by you and yours in the years to come.



Look inside the bag or box in which you will be putting the items. Are there droppings from rodents or other animals (including humans) in said bag or box? We at the library really, really do not want to deal with feces.



Again, we are very grateful that our library is the first institution you think of as you clean your basement. We are also very grateful that we are not Goodwill, as we can only imagine the types of things that you stuff into garbage bags and leave on their doorsteps. However, it is a much more efficient use of your tax dollars for you to place these items in your own garbage rather than having a library professional do so.



Thank you for your time,



A Disgruntled Librarian