Lighting the corners of my mind...

Children today all seem to have their television rationed, and as good of an idea as that is, I kind of pity them. As a child, my television consumption wasn't really limited all that much (or at all, really). A co-worker and I were comparing notes on our childhood viewing though, and we realized exactly how weird and disturbing these shows were. It also made me realize that I have always had the sense that nobody else watched these shows. Clearly that's not the case. So here we go. Do you remember the 80s?

Pinwheel Honestly, I don't remember much about this show except that it was like Sesame Street, only instead of an American street, it took place in a Canadian house (most of Nickelodeon was recycled Canadian tv at that point). More important is the fact that, in my head at least, it's the first show I watched when my grandma introduced me to cable. Ah, memories.

Today's Special A mannequin (Jeff, I think his name was) would come to life every night (I think his hat was somehow involved) and engage in hijinks with a store employee, who was human; Sam the night watchman, who was a puppet made to look like a human; and Muffy, a puppet mouse who, I think, talked largely in rhyme. What was the fascination with living mannequins in the 80s? Mannequin was weird enough, but I feel that the addition of creepy humanoid puppets takes it to an entirely new level of disturbing.

Zoobilee Zoo Technically, I was too old for this show when it was aired on PBS, but my brother was right at its target age. It starred Ben Vereen (I think - but if I googled each of these shows, I'd end up on a downward spiral of nostalgia-induced marathon YouTube viewing) and other humans dressed as animals. My brother, showing remarkable insight for one so young, was absolutely terrified of this show. The mere sight of the credits would bring him to tears. In fact, if I did it right, I could sing a bit of the theme song ("Zoobilee Zoo, Zoobilee Zoo. Magic and wonder are waiting for you") and he would cry like a baby. And this, friends, is why siblings should really never be left alone together.

Clarissa Explains It All Technically from the early 90s, but oh my God, I still think this is one of the best shows ever (based solely on my disturbingly detailed memory of it). Remember how Clarissa loved Johnny Depp? Remember Sam and Ferguson? Remember how she would create computer games? Remember when she and Sam wrote their school song ("Thomas Tupper Hii-igh" - why oh why do my brain cells cling to these stupid songs?). I loved this show so much that I was willing to believe for at least the first season or two that Sabrina the Teenage Witch was a good show for a 15-year old to watch.

You Can't Do That on Television This show was so twisted. It was one of the few kid shows that my parents enjoyed as much as I did. There was one episode where communists took over and the green slime was turned red. (The slime was dumped on anyone who said 'I don't know'. Why? I don't know, but why question greatness?) The intro credits referenced Pink Floyd's The Wall. Crazy shit, people. And yeah, yeah, everyone talks about how Alanis Morissette was on it, but that show was all about Lisa and Christine. (On a weird note, at about the same time, Dave Coulier, supposed inspiration for the song "You Oughtta Know" was on a show called Out of Control, in which he was already in his late 20s, at least. Both were originally produced for the small world of Canadian children's television. Do you think that's how they met? Ew! In my own remarkable show of insight, I thought he was a total tool when they showed the reruns on Nickelodeon.)

As you can see, once my parents got cable, I embraced it wholeheartedly and never looked back. And there is my childhood in a nutshell. Probably I also spent some time outside or socializing with family and friends, but sometimes the brain has to prioritize and decide what to let go. Apparently Clarissa and Ferguson acting like babies because they think their mother is pregnant outranks the first time I rode a bike. Go figure.