The Case of the Mustachioed Fireman

Occasionally in my role as a children's librarian, I have the opportunity to contemplate some of life's deep questions. Recently, I had one of those opportunities. While preparing for a firefighter storytime, this question came to me: why are there so many male firefighters with mustaches in children's literature? I assure you that nearly every children's book featuring human firefighters has at least one guy with a mustache but no beard. (Oddly, most grown-up books featuring firefighters features a shirtless man on the cover.) I could leave it to you to find proof of this, but what am I here for if not to save you from needless internet browsing?

First up, a characteristic example.


Often, the mustachioed fireman gets to drive the firetruck. Occasionally, he also gets to wield the axe with which to chop down your door.


See? Even in real life, the mustachioed fireman is an axe-wielder.

In this example, note the mustachioed fireman's joy at the dragon's inability to properly hold the hose.


Does he even want the house to be saved? Are mustachioed firemen agents of evil? Well, maybe not, because here's a Sesame Street example, and, with the possible exception of Elmo, Sesame Street is no place for agents of evil.


This is what I'm talking about, though. Sesame Street taught the world that two guys can live together in an apartment without corrupting anyone, that angry creatures live in the garbage, and that vibrating giggling monsters make good toys for 3-year-olds. Clearly they're open to outside-the-box thinking, and yet they bought into the mustachioed fireman trope.

One last literary example:


Okay, I might have doctored the last one. But still! They're everywhere. And in fact, lest you think the phenomenon is limited to literature, I bring you:


We had this guy sitting on our Fire Shelf at my last library in the Chicago area. His jacket is closed by velcro, and at said library, the velcro had been destroyed by years of use. Most evenings he could be found sprawled on the floor with his coat hanging open, looking like he just finished a bender. I will state for the record that this is the only evidence I've seen that mustachioed firemen drink too much.

So what should we conclude about the mustachioed fireman? Is it a coincidence? A conspiracy? Maybe it's just real life. I know only one actual firefighter, and he does, in fact, have a mustache. And given that he is my father-in-law, I won't say here that he is involved in any mustache conspiracy. On the other hand, I'm not going to say he's not.

I See You, Internet Browsers!

Until recently, I have not had a stat counter on my blog. A couple of years ago, I designed the husband's professional website (now defunct). At that time, I looked around for one and they all cost money. If I wasn't willing to pay money to see who wanted to look at the husband's art, I certainly wasn't going to pay money to confirm the small size of my readership. But when I accidentally encountered a free stat counter, I downloaded it, and to no one's surprise, I immediately became obsessed with my stats. But it's only because they're totally fascinating.

For example, do you know what brings more people to my blog than anything else? Two words: naughty vegetables. People, why didn't you tell me? Every week I go to the farmer's market and troll for the most entertaining vegetables I can find. Last week, there was a potato that looked like a nipple (not a breast, just a nipple) and a carrot with two legs, one of which was shorter than the other (I dubbed it "Pegleg the Pirate Carrot". Pegleg was delicious in a stew.) The husband and I have a theory that many people actually avoid these delightful quirks of nature. Apparently, the combination of cuisine and hilarity is more than they can bear. I weep for their poor shriveled souls.

Now, I can already hear the cynics among you. You're interrupting me to say, "Hey there, lady. You've been hanging out with four-year-olds for too long. These people aren't looking for your goofy vegetables. They are looking for people using vegetables for naughty purposes." Well, as I've told you many times, I'm a librarian. I am, by nature, a researchy sort of nerd. And I have already seen much of the sleazier side of life on the other side of the information desk. So I took the plunge and Googled "naughty vegetables". I learned two things. 1.) I am the second hit!!! This post may propel me to number 1!! Holy crap, that's amazing! 2.) At least on the first page or two, the hits aren't dirty. Even if you search Google Images, one or two of the images are a bit dicey, but nothing NC-17, at least when I looked.

This means one of two things. Either there is a largely unfulfilled demand for veggie porn, in which case, my visitors are sorely disappointed, or there is a largely unfulfilled demand for hilarious vegetables, in which case, I am at the pulse point of the American sense of humor. You tell me, strangers on the Interweb: which is it?